It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
