She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
