I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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