Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
either way he was missing a nipple.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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