our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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