I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
