Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
