at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
