Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
