At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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