had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
