I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
