omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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