The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
So apparently I’m into choking now
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