he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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