my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
