There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
