Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
