I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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