i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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