i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
