you guys were way drunker than both of me
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
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