i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
