I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
