He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I can't turn off my feet"
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
