connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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