I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
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