I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
