sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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