peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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