I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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