just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
