I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
