wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
