I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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