I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
