My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
