morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
