Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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