I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize