is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Randomize
