Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
