my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
