my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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