i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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