Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
