If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
