Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
