I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
My ATM looks so different sober.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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