I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
