Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
