I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
