This dress was meant to end up on your floor
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
