Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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