just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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