I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
