Only a mothe r could love this liver
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
