were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
