You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
