just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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