Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
