So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
